Marriage, Relationship & Couples Counselling


8 min read
18 Apr

 ONE RELATIONSHIP ALWAYS INVOLVES TWO INDIVIDUALS.


Straight, gay, transgender, lesbian, bisexual, undecided, whatever you may consider yourself to be. 

It makes no difference when it comes to being within a committed relationship with another.


How do you feel when I state, that roughly 90% of your issues are currently unknown to you and your partner?

  I'd guess that you'd relate more to why your endless efforts, when trying your hardest to resolve your relationships issues, are proving ineffective. 


DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE?

Issue you think occur for one reason, relates back from various reasons and many years90% of your life is considered to be held via unconscious actions.


 More of than not, relationships start by dating.

 Two unique individuals who go on various days/evenings out together.

 Having fun, laughing, feeling like an excited child.

Getting to know one another.

Sharing new and exciting experiences.

Visiting new places.

 Spending quality time together where receiving the others undivided attention.

All while, building those loving, unforgettable memories that are part of your journey when falling in love.


We share the good stuff and hold back on the ‘not so good.’ 

We then commit; move in together, share responsibilities, get engaged, get married, start a family… within various timescales and orders of events.


 The fact remains the same for all: Two people consciously make one decision; to commit to the relationship. 


It is a common fault, that when a relationship starts to become problematic, go stale or we feel we are falling out of love with our partner, that it's due only to the reason’s known to us and if truth be told, in most cases, passing it off as our partner's faults, resulting in; THE BLAME GAME.


Over time, time being spent together, many areas within each individual will change via; people met, experiences encountered, tragic losses being deprived of, changes implemented within a mental and/or psychical health that one would do anything to change, parental responsibility and experiences, unwanted situations that are unfortunate and unchangeable... countless occurrences we take for granted, all build up, each and every day. 

Therefore, it is these everyday occurrences that go unnoticed to our conscious eye, naturally creating changes within each individual, 90% of which are unconscious processes. Therefore, not only going unknown to our partner but also ourselves. 


Here are just a few, and I mean a few, examples of why we do not see the true reasoning's for relationships breaking down. 


COMMUNICATION

At the start, communication is key when getting to know each other. You openly share insights within each other's life/past, issues and events you each previously experienced, dreams, life ambitions, fears and interests held etc. As it is a new relationship, you have no past issues with one another, affecting you from communicating in such a positive way, one of the reasons the relationship blossomed. 

Then you spend years together, it is via these natural, unconscious processes, that effects your personal ability to communicate as you both did at the beginning. You and/or your partner will have unconsciously built up defence mechanisms other time, during various; events, experiences, rows etc. Again, unconsciously, resulting in: Fear of conflict, being misunderstood or upsetting the other, judgments being set, losing respect, differing within opinions, body language and tone of voice becoming of offence, personal and professional responsibilities preoccupying you from the undivided time that we once gave. Despite being aware of the constant demands of life that's required within your present and make allowances for these, unconsciously, you may be desiring the undivided attention you received from the start? Therefore, creating issues that in fact, are possibly not rationally justified, more so from your partners point of view, and vise versa. 


TRAGIC EVENTS / LOSSES IN CIRCUMSTANCES / BEREAVEMENT

There is not one single person in the world who can 100% understand your thoughts or feelings when it comes to a tragedy, a death of a loved one, or for any matter in fact, as no one but you has lived the life you have. 

Although others can try to understand, they will never truly be able to fully related and we are all guilty in thinking they should, for they know us as their partner, right? Wrong! They know you, only! They have not lived your life, being affected/influenced by the people you have, felt the feelings and thoughts the thoughts you have... The list is endless. Yet, it is also the 90% of unconscious processes that are also having an impact within your connection. So, when you think they should know how you are feeling at a certain time, or understand you better - remember, they will be thinking just the same within another time of their own need. 


EXPECTATIONS / ASSUMPTIONS / RESPONSIBILITIES

We not only have expectations within our life, our career, partner, family life, but for ourselves, unconsciously being built since birth. It's a common habit to put our expectations into others, so what happens when your partner does not live up to those expectations? 

 You'll most likely get pissed off, deprive sex, become cold and/or moody for a while etc. Yet, as most of these expectations/assumptions are unconscious, the fact is, neither you or your partner will not have a fucking clue what is happening, rationally. One issue then leads into another, constantly creating a further distance between you both. Even when you resolve this matter in question and all is well again, the unconscious issues possibly still remain. 

There will be times where we have more responsibilities than we feel we can handle. Therefore, creates us to become overwhelmed, stressed, tired, depressed, isolated, resentful, and can easily change our personality. Sharing these responsibilities with your partner could often be desperately needed. If this does not happen, can create even more negative thoughts and feelings within us. Being so wrapped up within our own situation, it becomes easier to fail in empathy, not able see your partner's reasoning’s for not helping you out in wanted areas but then unwilling to see the areas in which they are possibly doing more to help. Again, causing conflict from both parties that are most likely, not being openly discussed. 


PERSONAL & PROFESSIONAL STRESS

The stress of not/working, running a house, being a parent, financial factors, having a social life, and then having commitments outside of the home and work itself, is experienced differently to all individuals. For instance, even if you both worked full-time jobs, shared out all other responsibilities and had equal time alone to socialise, the pressures/stresses will, without fail, be experienced differently to each individual. This is due to unique life experiences since birth, the same reason one other will fully be able to relate to your pain. From birth, our unconscious processes develop our ability to handle stress factors. Therefore, despite two people being in the same situation, will not mean they are able to cope with it within the same way as the other does. 


PARENTING

Due to our individual upbringings, good or bad, and again - all that I have said above regarding our unconsciousness's being developed since birth, creates a way we parent ourselves. We may want to be just like our own parents were towards us, or the total opposite. Parenting alone is one, if not ‘the’ hardest job in our lifetime. Yet, adding the combining of another's input, creates even more challenges. 

 

ANGER & NEGATIVE EMOTIONS

When out of control, anger can become destructive. It can significantly impact the quality of our life – affecting not only your relationship/s, but your career and overall well-being. Anger helps us to relieve built-up energy and tension, hence rows can rapidly escalate out of the blue if having held in various emotions for some time. While expressing anger can be a healthy way of managing the emotion, when excessive, it can become a problem. When we express anger, we use a variety of our conscious and unconscious processes to deal with the feelings. Therefore, not able to act rationally, hence things can be said that’s later regretted.

 

CHILDHOOD & PAST RELATIONSHIPS

From birth until the rough age of 7 years, is when the largest part of our life script (personal traits) is created by unconscious processes we develop via; Influential caregivers/parents and relationships, experiences, friends, development, schooling etc. This is where our coping strategies and defence mechanisms were formed, being the foundations of our future. Yet again, no childhood is experienced in the exact same way as any other.

Now, adding in our past relationships, having failed, leads to a similar scenario. Throughout these past relationships, numerous unconscious processes would have been added/adapted to our personal traits we developed since childhood. There are far too many issues to list so I’ll just give one example.

 If you had a partner cheat on you, this event may have created un/conscious issues within; perceptions, trust, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, anxiety, depression, fear, ability to be loved, being good enough, body image, judgments... etc.


LET'S BE HONEST. CONSENT ISSUES EFFECTS OUR LIBIDO, WHICH IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST ISSUES WITHIN ANY RELATIONSHIP.


If you can relate to what is being said, now question what is not being said. Again, these are just a couple of examples, the list is endless. 



Like all stories, your relationship has a start, middle and end.

You cannot change the start.

You can adapt the middle.

You can create the end


If you are having issues within your relationship, the sooner you address the issues and/or get professional help, the more beneficial it will be for you both, greatly enhancing the probability of your relationship being saved, but more so, reaching its full potential.


BEGINNING V'S FUTURE 

Two unique individuals who go out on various days and evenings out together,

Two unique individuals become preoccupied with life and the responsibilities within.

Having fun, laughing,

Having arguments, crying.

Feeling like an excited child,

Feeling 20 years older than they are.

Getting to know one another,

Forgetting to understand one another.

Sharing new and exciting experiences,

Resenting/dreading any possible exciting opportunities.

Visiting new places,

Seeing the same old places.

Spending quality time together where receiving the others undivided attention,

Avoiding spending any time together through fear of it resulting in conflict.

All while building those loving, unforgettable memories that are part of your journey when falling in love with each other.

All while questioning those memories that are part of your journey when falling out of love with each other.



Relationship counselling is not admitting defeat. Instead, it's potentially preventing defeat, by receiving relationship counselling.



I am writing this to help people struggling within their relationship to gain a deeper insight into why you may be struggling, unknowingly, and to help you understand that the end is not as close as you may feel within your relationship. In fact, there could possibly be a whole new journey awaiting for you both. Instead of ending your relationship, but dramatically excelling. 


RELATIONSHIP COUNSELLING - POTENTIAL BENEFITS.

   See here for more information. 


FREE 30-MINUTE CONSULTATION.

See here for more information.


Kylea Sustek

Private Counselling in Havering

Counsellor & Psychotherapist 

07496731877


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